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Many men feel they have to be the "strong one" when their wife or partner is diagnosed with breast cancer. You may feel unable to express your own emotions, worries or anxieties about your partner's illness.

It is normal to be on your own "emotional rollercoaster" when your wife is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. You need your own support network and your own outlet for your emotions so that you can offer effective support to your wife or partner as she goes through this journey.

Make sure you have a friend or relative you can talk to and if you don't have someone you feel comfortable confiding in, then think about getting professional help.

On this page, you'll find:

• common feelings for partners of women diagnosed with breast cancer

• ways you can help yourself

• sexuality and intimacy

• the best ways to help support the woman in your life with breast cancer

Common feelings for partners :

• shock and disbelief
• frustration at not being able to solve the problem
• loss of control - it's as though the cancer has taken over your lives
• withdrawal / denial - a desire to ignore the illness or a refusal to acknowledge it
• anxiety - about your future life, whether your wife/partner will be around in the future
• concern for your children and their ability to cope
• being overwhelmed by all you need to do both emotionally and practically, as your partner undergoes treatment
• physical changes such as loss of appetite, insomnia, loss of energy
• a fear of death.

All of these feelings and others are normal. Remember to acknowledge your feelings and try to talk about them with your support network. Bottling them up, withdrawing from your partner, or becoming stressed and anxious won't help your partner or you.

How you can help yourself

• Get your own support network going - talk to friends, relatives, other men who have experienced something similar. You need an outlet for your own stresses and worries
• If you don't have a friend to talk to, consider getting professional help. Talk to a counsellor or psychologist to help relieve your own anxieties
• Get help with practical chores, such as shopping, cooking and cleaning. Many of these tasks will fall to you and if you are finding the burden too great, it's easier to get others to help or to pay someone to do these things for you.
• Understand your wife's medical condition. Make sure you know exactly what type of breast cancer she has, understand the different treatment options, research side-effects and what can help. Having a comprehensive knowledge of the disease will help you to understand what your wife/partner is going through and will give you a greater sense of control.
• Make time to do the things you used to enjoy as a couple. Cancer doesn't have to define your life so create special times where you can enjoy each other, laugh, and live in the moment.
• If you find you're really not coping and seem to be suffering from the symptoms of depression - insomnia, weight changes, lack of energy, inability to look forward to anything, a loss of desire to continue with life - seek professional help immediately. This is a difficult time and you may need medication or other help to get through. 

Sexuality and Intimacy

Treatment for breast cancer can leave many women with physical changes that can affect their sexual lives. The loss of a breast, menopause brought on by chemotherapy, changes to libido due to different treatments and drugs, and new feelings about body image and sexual attractiveness can make sexual relationships a challenge.

Some women may feel uncomfortable with their new body image soon after treatment and may be unable to undress in front of their husband or partner, let alone engage in sexual activity or intimacy. Some men may also find it difficult adjusting to their partner's new body and being sexual with the woman they love after treatment.

The following tips may help you adjust. But remember, if you and/or your partner are having difficulty adjusting and being intimate with each other after breast cancer treatment - seek professional help. Counselling may help both of you to deal with your new circumstances and help you to discover new and different ways to be intimate with each other.

Tips on being intimate after breast cancer treatment:

• take things slowly. Remember your partner/wife has been through a lot. It will take her time to adjust physically and emotionally. Don't rush this healing process.

• spend time getting used to each other naked again. This doesn't have to involve sex. It can simply involve being in each other's presence naked / gentle touching / massage etc.

• don't keep your feelings to yourself. Let your wife or partner know if you have concerns about your sexual relationship. Be open and honest with one another and try to resolve the issue together.

• understand that your relationship has changed and that things may never be exactly the same as they were before breast cancer. This is not a good or a bad thing, but just the way things are now.

• Seek professional help if you are having trouble addressing issues of sexuality and intimacy with your partner.

You may like to read the following article on sex after breast cancer:

• Sex after breast cancer?

Helping the woman in your life with breast cancer

• Make sure there’s someone you can talk to, other than the woman in your life with breast cancer, about your worries and concerns.
• Be a good listener. Listen to your partner’s thoughts and feelings. You don’t necessarily have to respond – just be there to hear her.
• Don’t pretend that the breast cancer diagnosis and treatment is having no effect on you. Let your partner know when you can’t handle certain information or a certain conversation.
• Go to hospital appointments with her, not only so that you can provide her with support but also so you know exactly what’s going on medically.
• Get practical help where you need it. You are likely to have to take more responsibility for day-to-day tasks and chores. Farm some of these out to friends and other family members if you can.
• If you have children – make sure you monitor how they are responding emotionally. If they are having difficulty coping, seek professional help for them.  

A breast cancer diagnosis and treatment is not a journey that is made alone.  The woman diagnosed takes her husband, partner, children, parents, siblings and friends with her.

If you’re supporting a woman through breast cancer, there may be times when you don’t know what to say; when you feel too wrapped up in your own emotions; and when you don’t know what kind of help to offer.

It's okay to have your own emotions and it's best to be honest with the woman you're supporting and to let her know that you're finding it difficult dealing with things at the moment. 

Below are some tips on supporting a loved one with breast cancer.  You might also like to check out our pages for husbands/partners, same sex partners, children and friends.

How to support a woman with breast cancer:

• be there to listen - hear her concerns, anxieties, fears.  You don't have to offer a solution, just listen

• be an active participant in treatment - go to appointments with her, take her to radiotherapy and chemotherapy appointments. 

• ask questions of medical staff. Discuss with her in advance her concerns and be her advocate with medical professionals.

• help her to relax - encourage her to do things she enjoys.  Help her to get some light exercise when she's up to it.

• offer practical help to keep the household running - cook, clean, shop, hang out washing.  Do as much as you can to ensure your loved one does not have to worry about these day-to-day tasks.  Enlist others to help with these chores as well.

• continue to be supportive throughout the entire breast cancer journey.  Once treatment is over and things are looking more positive many people step away, but this can be a time when many women are "hit" by what they have been through and can feel very isolated and alone.

• Enjoy her - she is still your friend, partner, mother, sister, daughter.  Breast cancer does not define her.  Don't let the cancer "take over" - remember to try and laugh with her, enjoy the things you always did, and talk about the things you know she likes to discuss.

• If you live in a different town, keep in touch via phone and email.  Don't drop off the radar simply because you're not living in the same town.  Offer support from a distance - organise someone to mow her lawns or give her a massage.  Help financially if she needs it.

• Remember to get support for yourself when you are finding things too difficult to cope with. You won't be able to be an effective support person if you're too overwhelmed.

Generally, women undergoing chemotherapy will find they start to suffer hair loss after the second treatment. 

You may find you wake up with hair over your pillow or you start to notice hair falling out in the shower or on your clothes.  Many women find the loss of hair to be a difficult experience.  It is a very obvious sign of cancer and the fact you are undergoing treatment.

A wig can be a good option to help restore confidence and self-esteem.  But there are also many attractive hats and scarves available and many women like to wear a hat to bed because they find their head can get cold.   

The Government subsidises wigs for adults with temporary hair loss up to $400.  If your wig costs more than this, you will need to pay the remainder.  The Wigs and Hairpieces Service Payment (WHSP) is administered by HealthPac on behalf of the Ministry of Health and is paid either directly to you, or to the supplier of the product.

The subsidy can be claimed if you are a New Zealand citizen or ordinarily resident here and if you are undergoing a treatment for breast cancer which causes hair loss.  To claim the subsidy you will need a Medical Certificate with your NHI number from your specialist.

Your specialist or breast care nurse should provide you with a list of wig suppliers in your area or you can contact your local division of the Cancer Society for help. When you have chosen your wig and head wear, the supplier will make the claim to HealthPac for you or you can make it yourself if you prefer. 

For further information, call the HealthPac contact centre on: 0800 458 448 or visit the Ministry of Health information page about subsidies for wigs and hairpieces.

Undergoing medical treatment for breast cancer brings with it a range of stresses and the last thing you need to be worrying about is how you are going to pay your bills. 

Treatment may put you under financial strain, either because you choose to pay for some treatment options or because you are not working during treatment. If you meet the criteria, you can access financial help through Work and Income New Zealand.

Talking to your employer

It can be unsettling telling your employer that you have breast cancer and that you will need time off for treatment. You may wonder how your employer will react, what it will mean for your future job security, and how you will feel about returning to work when the time comes.

Most employers are understanding and will give you leave without pay for treatment, if you do not have enough sick leave available. You might like to check out this American publication on living and working with cancer. It is for an American market, but contains some useful tips on working through cancer. The US website, Cancer and Careers, is also a valuable resource.

If you are self-employed it may be more difficult for you take time out for treatment. If you are able, get others to cover for you as much as possible. It’s important not to stress about work issues at this time. You need to focus on your health and wellbeing so that you can get better as quickly as possible. 

Work and Income New Zealand provide some short-term financial assistance through the Sickness Benefit and long-term assistance through the Supported Living payment. You may qualify depending on your circumstances. Check out the criteria for health and disability allowances. You can also call Work and Income New Zealand on 0800 559 009 for details.

The Cancer Society of New Zealand also provides grants to assist individuals and families facing financial hardship as a result of cancer treatment. The grants cover things such as transport costs, household expenses, special equipment, counselling services etc. Contact your local branch of the Cancer Society for details or call the helpline 0800 CANCER (226 237).

There is also financial support available for those needing breast prostheses and wigs or hairpieces. Click here for more details.

Emotionally, breast cancer, can be a tough time. In the early stages you may be focusing on the physical aspects of the disease, but you are also likely to be on an “emotional rollercoaster”. 

Make sure you rely on your loved ones to help get you through these trying times. However, your friends and family are also likely to be on their own “emotional rollercoaster” so some women prefer to talk to others who have had breast cancer, to a counsellor or psychologist.

Often the emotional effects of a breast cancer diagnosis can last far longer than the physical ones and many women find they have a different attitude to life after breast cancer. In many cases, this can be a very positive thing.

You might like to try these tips on coping emotionally:

• Talk to other women who have had breast cancer. Sharing experiences can be helpful and it’s good to know you are not alone.
• Write a journal and keep notes about your experience, your feelings and thoughts. Simply writing these things down can help to relieve the emotional burden.
• Join a support group. There are many breast cancer support groups that enable you to connect with other women with breast cancer or that focus on helping you through a particular trial.
• Take up meditation, yoga, pilates or do some gentle exercise. Physical activity that helps you to relax and de-stress can be helpful.
• Express yourself through music, art, dance or whatever outlet you enjoy. Make the most of your talents and activities that make you feel good.
• Don’t shut out your friends and family. They are on this journey with you so let them help you when they can.
• Talk to a counsellor or psychologist. If you are finding the emotional burden too much, talk to a professional. Some women with breast cancer can suffer from depression so don’t hesitate to seek help. For a list of counsellors and psychologists in your area click here.
• View this presentation from Breast Cancer Trials and Assoc. Professor Lesley Stafford which discusses breast cancer and mental health.

Many of BCAC's member groups offer emotional support for women with breast cancer. Click here to get in touch with them.

If you decide to delay reconstructive surgery, or not have it at all, then you might want to look at how you can create the appearance of a natural breast by using a prosthesis (for mastectomy) or breast form (for lumpectomy).

After surgery and before discharge from hospital, your breast nurse will talk to you about whether wearing a prosthesis may be appropriate for you. If you decide it is, she will provide you with a temporary soft prosthesis which can be used while the surgical area is healing. After healing (most likely five to six weeks post op), you may wish to obtain a permanent breast prosthesis.

What is a breast prosthesis?

A permanent breast prosthesis is a mould made of silicone-based material and it resembles the shape and weight of a breast. The prosthesis fits into a special bra.

Wearing a prosthesis can help with balance and posture and make you feel more confident about your appearance.

Before leaving hospital, your breast nurse will show you a permanent breast prosthesis and a mastectomy bra and provide information on wearing a prosthesis. She will advise how long you can wear the soft temporary prosthesis before a permanent one is recommended.

Many breast prostheses can be worn in water (salt or chlorinated) and most suppliers offer a range of special swimwear or can modify swimsuits to accommodate them. Today’s prostheses are well made, expertly fitted, comfortable to wear and very natural-looking.

Your first fitting

Fitting women with a breast prosthesis and bras requires special training. The suppliers of these products in New Zealand offer a wide range and their specialist fitters are capable, experienced, careful and considerate. Your breast nurse will give you information about specialist fitters in your area and when you are ready you can call to make an appointment with the fitter of your choice. You may like to think about taking someone with you.

A specialist fitter will attend to you in a comfortable, warm, quiet and private fitting room. She will guide you through the process of being fitted; show all options available to you; explain product care; and make you feel relaxed, at ease and well informed. If appropriate, the fitter will talk to you about lymphoedema and discuss the use and fitting of a preventive compression garment.

You are entitled for a subsidy for a breast prosthesis and the fitter can fill out this paperwork for you if you prefer.  If the cost of your products is over the subsidy limit then you will need to pay the balance.  The fitter will give you receipts for your products and it’s a good idea to put these somewhere safe so you can keep track of your subsidy and know when you are eligible to claim again.

Funding

The Government offers a subsidy for a prosthesis and other related products (for example special bras) after surgery for breast cancer.

The current subsidy is $613.33 per side, rolling over every four years as long as you have not had breast reconstruction. The subsidy is administered by Sector Operations and is available to New Zealand citizens or those ordinarily resident in NewZealand. It will cover the cost of the following:

• breast prosthesis or breast forms (these may include standard breast forms, swim form, foam filler, shell prosthesis and lumpectomy shells)
• special bras to hold the Breast Prosthesis or breast forms
• surgical bras and normal bras
• modifications to bras or swimwear to hold a prosthesis or breast form 
• prosthetic nipples.

Click here for more information on the breast prosthesis subsidy visit. You can also call Sector Operations on 0800 855 066.

Suppliers and Stockists

There are two main suppliers of breast prostheses and associated products in New Zealand – Anita and Naturalwear. Both Anita and Naturalwear products are available nationwide.

Medical Matters is a Wellington based company markets a German product to selected stockists and specialist fitters. Company Director Mary McAvoy herself a breast cancer survivor may be contacted on 04 566 4660 or medicalmatters@xtra.co.nz for advice and information.

Anita BreastCare is in Silverdale (north of Auckland) with independent stockists throughout the country. Call 0800 264 822 to make an appointment or for the stockist nearest to you (North and South Islands).

Naturalwear has shops in Auckland, Milford, Hamilton and Wellington with a stockist in Tauranga and travels throughout the North Island. For more information, call Naturalwear on 0800 612 612.

Smith and Caughey’s has been fitting women at their downtown Auckland store, 261 Queen St. for over thirty years. They feature a selection of prostheses and bras from the Amoena and Anita lines, and a wide range of other special bras and swimwear. Call for an appointment on (09) 916 0844.

Lyn's Lingerie in Lower Hutt stock a variety of breast prostheses and products. They have two fully qualified prothesis fitters. They are located at 45 Treadwell St, Naenae, Lower Hutt and can be contacted on (04) 567 1578 or email Lyns_lingerie@hotmail.com. Their website is www.lyns-lingerie.co.nz.

Breast cancer treatment takes a huge toll on your body.  You will find it easier to cope with the side effects of treatment if you are otherwise in good physical health.

Make sure you:

• Exercise. Studies have shown that regular moderate exercise can help to improve quality of life, reduce fatigue, improve energy levels and help to maintain a healthy weight.
• Get enough sleep. The physical side effects and emotional worry may cause sleeping problems, but try to get as much rest as possible.
• Eat a balanced diet. This will help to provide your body with the nutrients it needs and help you to maintain a healthy weight.
• Do things that help you to relax – walking on the beach, massage, meditation, yoga, music, art, reading. Anything that helps you to de-stress.
• Get help with chores around the house so you can focus on recovery rather than daily tasks.
• Access the Government support available for breast prostheses and wigs if this will make you feel better about your physical appearance after surgery and during treatment. Click here for more information about wigs or the breast prostheses subsidies.

During and after your breast cancer treatment you may be left with numerous physical side effects that affect your day-to-day life. 

These may include pain, lymphoedema, fatigue, early menopause, and/or limited muscle movement in your back or arm.  You may also have to cope with hair loss, scars, and the loss of a breast.

In this section, you’ll find information about

• keeping healthy

• breast prostheses

• wigs and hairpieces

• support groups that can help you to improve your physical health and feel better about your physical appearance.

Many women who have experienced breast cancer feel they have new perspective on life once they have finished treatment. But many also approach this time with a feeling of trepidation.

You may feel uncomfortable about no longer having regular contact with your medical team. You may feel anxious and worried about whether the cancer will return. You may feel worried about the future.

All of these feelings are perfectly normal. Everyone’s experience is different and your feelings will vary depending on your circumstances. It’s good to continue to speak with other women who have had breast cancer once your treatment is over. The emotional and physical impacts do not stop as soon as treatment is finished so it can be good to have this ongoing support.

Follow up

It’s important to have regular mammograms or ultrasounds after breast cancer treatment because you are at greater risk of breast cancer recurring if you’ve already been diagnosed.  Regular follow ups with your doctor also allow him or her to check ongoing hormonal medication you may be on and to monitor any side effects.

You should also practise breast awareness and monitor your own breasts closely for any changes or abnormalities. If you notice anything, contact your doctor straight away.

You may also like to check out the "follow-up" section of the New Zealand Guidelines on the Management of Early Breast Cancer, which details best practice follow up options.

If you received our Step by Step support pack please give us your feedback here.

Your health

Some of the side effects of breast cancer treatment can be ongoing for many years after treatment is over. Discuss any long-term side effects with your doctor, there may well be steps that can be taken to reduce the impact of these.

Some common side effects include:

• Lymphoedema

• Fatigue

• Menopausal symptoms bought on by hormonal medication

• Pain

To view a video of a Q and A session about the Side Effects of Breast Cancer Treatment, organised by Breast Cancer Trials, please click here.

After treatment for breast cancer, many women also want to make lifestyle changes to ensure they stay as healthy as possible. These include:

• Dietary changes to maintain a healthy weight such as reducing saturated fat intake and increasing vegetable intake. 

• Moderate exercise can help to reduce the recurrence of cancer.

• Limiting alcohol intake

• Discussing Hormone Replacement Therapy carefully with your doctor if you are considering this medication.

You may also like to visit this link on the Cancer Australia website for more information about risk factors.

If you are concerned about recurrence, click here to view a video of a Q and A session run by Breast Cancer Trials on Breast Cancer Recurrence.

Emotional changes

Once treatment is over, you are likely to feel a range of emotions. Elation your treatment programme is finished, nervous about the lack of regular contact with medical staff, fear the cancer may return and nervousness about what the future now holds.

All of these feelings are normal. Many women find this time difficult because they no longer have to focus on the practicalities of treatment and they have more time to reflect on the experience and what life now holds in store for them.

You may now be a very different person from the one you were before you started treatment.  Friends and family may expect you to be back to your “old self”, but you may struggle to find this person as you grapple with feelings of loss and isolation.  You have been through a life-changing experience so don’t expect to “bounce back” immediately. Remember to get as much support as you need – whether by talking to friends and family, other women who have experienced breast cancer, or to a professional counsellor if need be.

You may find your relationships change after breast cancer, especially intimate relationships.  Some women struggle with their sexuality after breast cancer treatment.

Click here to read articles exploring some of the issues around sex after breast cancer. 

Advanced or metastatic breast cancer is when the breast cancer cells spread from the breast to other parts of the body. This leads to the development of cancer in other areas, such as the liver, bone, lungs or brain.

There is no known cure for advanced breast cancer so facing a diagnosis can be scary. You may be thinking “how long do I have?”, “why me?”, and “it’s not fair”.

You will not know exactly what the future holds, but for many women the disease can be well controlled and they live full, happy and productive lives.

On these pages you can find out more about advanced breast cancer, the treatment options, places you can get further support and stories from others who have the disease.